Raise your damn kids right.

Apparently now (according to this movie "Hanna" I just watched), we have little girls running around, shooting guns, breaking people's necks and basically just causing all kinds of fucking mayhem. I think to myself, finally... fucking god damn, finally! Parents are just now starting to understand that if you want your child to be a bad ass, you have to attack them constantly with knives and insults... even when they're sleeping.

At first I thought, no fucking way I'm going to go watch a movie about that little street walking, song and dance number, little girl-child of the night. You know, that little twat from Montana. But then I was so god damn politely informed by some guy that, no, this movie is about someone completely different. It's about some little albino girl who's just running around, doing her fucking thing and being a tough little bastard.

So, parents of America, and any of those other little countries, that don't really matter, start raising your fucking little brat kids the proper way. Don't love them, no fucking way should you do that. That only gives them delusions of grandeur. Get them ready for the real world. Otherwise you'll end up with a worthless little kid standing around making stupid faces, just like this little faggot, Polyanna. Let's see you tap dance while you clean the floor and sing, if someone is beating you about the head with sticks and pointing a gun in your face, you little damn idiot.

Note: My friend Steve is constantly defending Polyanna, he's a real tard.

What the Fuck do you know about eagles...?

What the fuck do you know about eagles? I'll fucking tell you what you know, not jack-shit compared to me. I haven't really told too many people about it, on account of the fear it strikes into their little baby-bitch-piss-pants, but I actually raised a family of giant man eating golden eagles. I was out in the damn mountains, cliff jumping with this armless guy I know, and I was like,

"Dirky, why in the sam fucking hell is it that every time I come out here to visit you, you're missing at least one more body part?"

he said,

"It's these fucking baby eagles I'm taking care of, man. They fucking eat people and shit!"

I fucking told him,

"Hey, slow your god damn roll and watch your tongue, Dirky. I eat people sometimes too. It's not a big deal. If you're too much of a pussy to raise em, I'll fucking do it, out of the kindness of my heart."

So I raised those little flesh eating bastards and I still try and visit them every now and again. They fucking HATE people. Anyhow, last weekend, I grabbed a couple of liters of whiskey and figured I'd go see the eagles and try and get half of a buzz going on. When I showed up, there was a fucking idiot jack-assing around, trying to take pictures of the trees and bugs and shit. Well, I yelled at him,

"Hey, dickface! Get the fuck out of here. These giant eagles will eat the shit out of you."

For some reason it had slipped my mind that every time the eagles hear my voice, they swoop in to come see me, hoping I might have some babies or maybe some small little orphan treats for them.

Well, one of the eagles showed up, went straight for this fucking guy and took his arm, right the fuck off of his body. Lucky for this guy I felt responsible for inadvertantly calling the damn eagles down, so I did him a quick solid. I ripped the stitching out of his jacket, turned his zipper into a quick needle, and sewed that little faggot's arm right back on his body. It's a good thing I'm so fucking skilled at doctoring, because this guy walked away from the whole deal with nothing but a tiny fucking scratch

Mask to the Future

Here's the deal. I had the good fortune of watching a movie that most of you motherfuckers never even knew existed. It is such a good fucking movie, maybe someday they'll release a version that they'll let just anyone watch. Until then you'll just have to take my word for it.

This movie was such a great piece of cinema that Hollywood forced the directors to cut it in half and turn it into two movies. You probably know these movies as Back to the Future and Mask- The Rocky Dennis Story. Well, let me fucking tell you, the original is god damn cool. You've got Michael J. Fox doing his fucking thing as Marty McFly, just as you've seen it play out in the sub par version. The only difference is that when it gets to the point where Lea Thompson, who plays his teenage mom, starts coming onto him in the car like a real fucking whore in heat, he decides to just go ahead and go through with it and fucks her in the car until they're both red in the face. She gets fucking pregnant.

Her son was supposed to look like this.........................

But instead, because Marty couldn't keep his god damn pecker from going in and out of his own mom's vagina, you end up with a guy who looks exactly like this....................................................................

Eric Stoltz had the misfortune of being cast as this mutant looking fuck, after he failed miserably as the original Marty McFly. He couldn't get his shit together so the director said, "Fuck You, Eric. We're getting this spunkier little guy called Michael J. Fox to play Marty. He's actually funny. We've got a role for you that doesn't involve you having to be good at doing anything. You idiot little pecker face."

Anyhow, this ugly fucking guy has to go around to different schools because his mom doesn't think he's good enough to be in her motorcycle gang. They had to recast Rocky's mom as Cher, because Lea Thompson refused to act next to someone as talentless as Eric "Not a Funny Guy" Stoltz. His mom is a real bitch to him. She says things like,

"Rocky, no one's ever going to love you, you look like an elephant took a shit on your head and then stepped in it! You'd better hope to fucking God that you meet someone who is a blind idiot."

As chance would have it, he does meet a blind girl, played by a homely Laura Dern. Unfortunately even she gets sick of his fucking face, and she can't even see it! So she says things like,

"Rocky, if I weren't already blind I would gut out my eyes with an ice cream scoop, that's how ugly you are."

She's a real bitch on wheels to him. So, she flees the state to go do her fucking thing and bang dudes who don't look like stupid bobbleheads. Rocky then gets a headache, goes to his room and fucking dies! From a headache. What a fucking pussy.

So what I took from this movie is that you do not want to fuck your mom, even if she looks like Lea Thompson. Unless you want to have a baby that you will hate its ugly face. It will be a constant reminder of your unholy fuck session. And this is a baby that you can't even throw in the trash, because it's god damn head is too big to fit through the trash hole.

Nope.

Rick Astley is such a fucking faggot. A long time ago I wrote a little song and invented a super sweet new dance move that really drops the panties. You can imagine how highly pissed I was when I saw a video on the youtube of this fucking guy singing my song and doing my fucking dance! I mean, doesn't youtube check the legitimacy of people's shit before they head out to film it? Fucking shit-jack morons sitting around with their dicks stuck in chinese finger traps.

Anyhow, I watched this little Rick Astley fucker trying to do my fucking song and dance and I have to say, he completely fucks up all of the words. He doesn't even call it by it's god damn correct name. He's running around like that pecker faced boy who cried wolf, trying to tell people that this song is called "Never Gonna Give You Up". That is wrong as Fuck. It's supposed to be called "Girl, I'm Gonna Fill You Up". To set the record straight, I'm going to put up the correct damn lyrics, right the fuck now.

"Girl, I'm Gonna Fill You Up"

A song about love by Jordon May

We're two strangers who fuck

You know the deal and so do I

A full on boner is what I'm working with

I just watched you banging some other guy

I'm not gonna tell you how I'm feeling

Hey you'd better understand

Girl I fucking tell you what

and I fucking wish you would

I'm gonna put my cock up inside you

Then I'm gonna move it around

turn that frown upside down

I'm gonna make the sex inside you

Repeat

Fuck You Rick Astley

Last night my friend Kevin and I were out and about town, doing our fucking thing, drinking and carrying on and whatnot, and this fucking guy shows up with shit stains on his pants trying to blow up our spot. I absolutely can't fucking stand it when dickfaces think that they can try and step up their fucking social appeal by being seen doing shit beside me. I mean, why the fuck would this guy think he could try and drink beers and smoke cigarettes with us smelling like a fucking turd!? God damn unnacceptable.

So anyhow I told the guy this. "Fuck You, you damn shit ass spotlight leech! Leave now, or im gonna kick your balls so hard they'll pop your eyes right the fuck out of your head and then you'll just have tiny smelly balls hanging out in your god damn idiot eye sockets!" This fucking guy got so scared that he immediately shit himself, again. I was so highly pissed. I was just getting ready to fucking sledghammer him in the balls when Kevin, being such a nice fucking person, decided to step in and save the guys life. Kevin grabbed the idiot by the top of his fucking balding scraggly head, pulled out a giant fucking knife, and cut the guy's beard right the fuck off of his face! Then he threw him through a window into the street where he belongs. Lucky fucking dickhead.

Now they make these things called fleshlights that are fucking tubes with rubber pussies on the end. You can pick them up on the internet box. Anyhow someone gave me one. Not that I need it, everyone knows that everywhere I go panties are just popping off all over the damn place. But I figured out that it's pretty useful. I would say on the feel good factor scale with one being the equivalent of a cardboard tube and 10 being a real wet pussy its about an 8. So try one out. You'll probably realize that you never have to put up with a woman's bullshit again in your life.

Stupid Human Centipede Bullshit

Take a good long look at this shit. I'm practically A fucking doctor and I can't even figure out what these stupid idiots are doing! Why in the fuck would you even let yourself be put into this position. What a bunch of candy-ass bitches. I wouldn't have even ended up in this guy's god damn house. I'd take one look at that idiot fuck and stomp the shit out of him! And if I were by some fucking strange stretch of the imagination to end up with my mouth stapled to someone else's asshole I wouldn't even fucking sweat it. I'd just start eating until I devoured that mother fucker whole. Not a god damn problem. Stupid idiots.